2AM

Heard some saying about writing as a muscle, therefore needs to be exercised to get stronger. Then at 2AM I decided to work out.

"Think of your laptop as a machine like the one at the gym where you open and close your inner tights in front of everyone, exposing both of your insecurities and genitals." Colin Nissan

The Next Chapter

Time flies so fast and rarely slowing down for me. It's almost been a year, but that is just a dosage
of dimension that we create in our head isn't it? Time more like a space to build our significance in this world,
to implement our imagination, to celebrate our existence, and that's the way I see time as a subjective thing
- everyone has their own measurement of how long time feels than how long it really was. 

Now that it's almost a dead end on this side of the road, it's time to evaluate and rejoice 
to so many possibilities at the beginning of a new chapter. It may be good, it may be bad 
- that's okay, because I know it'll be different.

See you soon..

I Think I Need A Make Over

photo credit to Meutia Ananda

The Edge of Love

It's you, who makes me feel I would never be alone

It spoiled me how you always believe there is something about me that people will love tenderly,

like you did most of the time

I don't quite remember how He puts us side to side to the point much further than love

Until we learn to have faith and surrender ourselves to all surprises He kept for us,

so we could genuinely appreciate the presence of each other in our lives

Thanks for making me believe that happiness is as real as the present,

realizing that human could feel content, even without having everything she wants

photo by Meutia Ananda

I promise my self to write more often, just in case I go crazy for real then people would know what have cause it.

Just kidding, I hope this will help me to out-focusing my thoughts from being lonely.

Let it be

Yesterday I had a big fight and so much helping my emotional situation to break even down.

I still digest all the situation I've been through.

Maybe when we get to the point in our lives; where you feel at the lowest,

so alone and couldn't afford to move forward,

you begin to see everything more clearly.

Particularly just where you are now, about the presents, and so aware how things is really are.

That's the only thing I have now.

No friends, no lover.

Now you can see where the tangle comes from.

The whole thing feels so artificial, most of the time.

Got me wonder who's gonna pull the triger to put an end to this
and paint me a picture that I could finally touch.

Let the world see how shabby I am, let them learn some honesty.

No one can weigh down this mad imagination anymore,
let it go wild, let it rushing to my bone, let it be as bad as it can be.

Let it be free,

let it feel free,

let it be anything

anything,

other than this.

I have no idea what to do, where to go.

Never meant to hurt the people who care but couldn't feel anything they say they do.

Just lying and feeling empty.

I'm lost and never been found.

Struggling just to be honest with you, to get this out of my head.

I may need something to cure me,

makes me human or just pretend that I am.

A bad writer and story teller, but I have nowhere else to go.

So I run to your old reflection, who says we could go wherever we want to.

And live like this forever.

Being away from home and friends are difficult. Its been 2 months since I start to live in my new droom. Its not that far from home but still its different atmosphere here. I am home sick.

It's crazy to say that since I still visit my home once a week. I guess home is'nt just a place that we livin but its more like where your hearts belongs. It may sounds so cheesy but yeah it's not about the place, what I miss is the feeling I sense when I'm there.
I guess its loneliness that speaks. I haven't make any friends here, there's no one in my cribs I want to be friend with anyway. I think I should figure out new stuffs to do for fun. Ideas?

Attending to Jakarta Fashion and Food Festival with Afifah

THIS HEART BEATS TO FEEL THE SPRING AGAIN

I HAVE A THING

for plants,

for flowers,

for nature..

it's been a while since anyone bought me flower

yes, I'm a romantic shit kind of person

One thing at a time..

That was my motto in work, and I never understood why it's so hard to just doing one thing in my hand. But in the reality, it always more than three things filling my head, my heart and my hands.
Now after taking unfinished sewing course, I've been busy with my work at Nikicio while striving to manage my own project(s). Ha! I don't know when will I execute that motto again but for now I just hope to keep on going and doing what I do. I will push myself to the limit and hopefully will do great at everything! Haha some ambitions eh?

(Photos while helping Nikicio at last 8th Brightspot Market)

as I losing my "virginity"

I could recall how hard my heart was pumping when I finally decided to take plane for my first trip to Singapore. It's the time I've ever been on a plane after all my life I've tried to avoid any of the possibilities. No wonder my heart skips a beat when the plane was first took-off, yes I have fear of heights.

When the plane was first took-off, I think to my self -

"okay, this is it! I am ready to losing my virginity".

I held on tight.

I close my eyes.

I even had goosebumps.

But it occur just for a minute, and when the plane was already settled on the auto-pilot mode, guess I was just over reacted.

LOL

So I learned that I only have the aeroacrophobia; the fear of open high places which exposed air or wind. And thank God, being on a plane is no longer my fear.

This was taken at the apartment, it's first time I opened my eyes in different country.

Feeling save..

Taken by Meutia Ananda

I miss it

In order to survive from unpleasant situation, unhealthy body condition, and unstable peace of mind, I always replay any moments that I savor and keep it as a decent memories.

Now I replay this day in my head. A perfect day spending with good friends around, good clothes, good place to hang, great air, great weather, great atmosphere, and precious time to celebrate.

Those who make it happened :)

Pasca Arafah

Rizki Bagus Satria

Meutia Ananda

Sight Seeing

This week was the laziest week ever!

I had so much fun in my short trip to Singapore, and I think I still got the euphoria left. I ended up spending this weekend just to hanging out, sleeping, eating, watching dvd or go to the movie, and sleeping again.

NO WORKING at all lol.

Shame on me, but guess it's kindda healthy if I do it every once in a while. Just to freshen-up my mind and enjoy the living.

Baby, you and I

I l-l-loooove how this song and video speaks to me. It's about almost 2 weeks I hear it over and over (even though I'm not playing it on my tunes, it's already played on and on in my unconscious mind). Thanks for creating such beautiful and meaningful song, Lady Gaga, it's you and I..

a little peek

Couple weeks ago I’m having a “little photo peek”-that’s what my friend called it.
It was on the side walk in my neighborhood where we still have small field for farming.
Though it’s pretty small, but as suburban kid who’s surrounded by so many building development,
I guess I’m lucky enough to still have a green zone in my environment. 

It was always refreshing to drown myself to the nature and feel the peaceful energy.
Some fresh air to inhale, while some anger and disturbing mind come undone.

The drops of tears

In these five years, I have had everything and lost everything.

So many things to be thankful, yet there’re too many goodbyes to be said.

There’re many things to ask,

lot of reasons to let go.

These 5 years have fundamentally formed me inside and out.

The rises and dawns.

I was torn so badly in the day the love being forced to die.

And up until now I have to beat myself up just to keep my face straight. Keep my world spinning.

I wonder how far I could make the leap again, without my tail*.

The little tricks to gain concentration

I’ve been doing self-improvement project lately, and I’ve noticed that I’ve always had this serious trouble of concentrating. You see, I am a day-dream gal who spends most of my time wondering and worrying while doing my thing. And that’s maybe why I always ended up having difficulty to complete countless list of task and finished it behind schedule. This problem has consumed my time and energy, so I begin to googling and read couples of articles allied with that.

We all familiar with NO PHONE ZONE that Oprah have been campaigning lately, because there’re too many stories about the traffic accident that happened for the reason of distracted driving. It’s just one of the reasons why we need to learn to establish concentration as a life habit. I observe that many people (especially girls) have the same problem on concentrating; they tend to do multi-tasking when dealing with daily work. From what I’ve read from the articles, that’s just mistaken assumption that we’d finished the task efficiently by multi-tasking. In fact, multi-tasking will increase your errors and divide your attention so you’ll have to perform revision (imaging time-consuming you need to spend to mend that error).

Since concentration leads to efficiency in every work, I am thrill to share what I’ve learned from the articles for you; who have difficulty to concentrate. 

I quote, summarized, combining all articles that I had and do some adjustment to re-write it. Hopefully this could do you a favor.

Just My...

I got the-How I Met Your Mother-fever!

I know it is soooo late for some of you and now I just get to watch the 4^th season. One thing that I really love about the series was the the opening scene which has the opening song in it. I don’t know how to put it, but after I reached the second season I found myself mesmerized. That scene drags me into these vivid moments of me along with my friends back then, over and again. The one that we got away for sneaking out from school, the disaster that always happened on deadline back in college, our everyday playlist while waiting for classes, the DVD nights, the sleep over. It all drifting in my mind, and then comes the warmhearted feeling just like when you re-read your favorite book, re-run your favorite series, or listening to your old favorite songs that always blows your head away.

I retrace the history just simply by remembering those silly faces, those sounds of laugher, how we got into fight, and how messed up we were. Seems like been a while since I had my belly cramps for laughing too hard with my friends. I totally miss it.

I wonder how I’m gonna remember this present moment five years from now.

“We’ll always be this free,

We will living for the love we had,

living none for reality.”

-The Cranberries

One at a time

There are several times like this in my phase of life, when I am alone in my loneliest mind. I was just hanging around wondering what to do, what I want to do. I’m turning off the lights and put up some candles just trying to feel the ambience of peace. Apparently, I’m just getting lost in my own self once more, and get deeper… I begin to think about when was the first time I started to feel this heavy weight on my shoulder (you know, the weight of responsibilities, consequences, and all the expectation of the people around you). Was it when I was ten, or is that when I was thirteen? Oh boy, you know how tough it could be now and then. But I wanna try to keep my view out of those bothering mind once again. So I took a piece of paper to write and imagine all the idea of how I could somehow provoke peace into my life. I write down things about sheep, about grass, about the wind, the bird and the tree. It come off for a moment as an escape, but then again these sight about “I have to make the best of my life” blocking my vision. It’s frustrating how I never could feel liberated, because the fact that the person who is always holding me back was my own self, all the time. I always get all the nerves just thinking how I haven’t marked something BIG in these 22 years of living. And now I’m feeling as miserable as I can be, tasting my regret.

You know, I once have a vow to myself that I will never let regret be part of my life again. I tried so hard, but I’m failed of course. Just like my entire vow did. And there it is an additional regret. I keep thinking, why should I always have to expecting so much on myself? Pushing myself with targets, constantly wanting to be the best, and my worst obsessive disease called “pursuit of perfection” that driving me nuts all of this time.

I just can’t stop.

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