July 30, 2011

Just My...

I got the-How I Met Your Mother-fever!

I know it is soooo late for some of you and now I just get to watch the 4th season. One thing that I really love about the series was the the opening scene which has the opening song in it. I don’t know how to put it, but after I reached the second season I found myself mesmerized. That scene drags me into these vivid moments of me along with my friends back then, over and again. The one that we got away for sneaking out from school, the disaster that always happened on deadline back in college, our everyday playlist while waiting for classes, the DVD nights, the sleep over. It all drifting in my mind, and then comes the warmhearted feeling just like when you re-read your favorite book, re-run your favorite series, or listening to your old favorite songs that always blows your head away.

I retrace the history just simply by remembering those silly faces, those sounds of laugher, how we got into fight, and how messed up we were. Seems like been a while since I had my belly cramps for laughing too hard with my friends. I totally miss it.
I wonder how I’m gonna remember this present moment five years from now.

“We’ll always be this free,
We will living for the love we had,
living none for reality.”
-The Cranberries

July 18, 2011

One at a time

There are several times like this in my phase of life, when I am alone in my loneliest mind. I was just hanging around wondering what to do, what I want to do. I’m turning off the lights and put up some candles just trying to feel the ambience of peace. Apparently, I’m just getting lost in my own self once more, and get deeper… I begin to think about when was the first time I started to feel this heavy weight on my shoulder (you know, the weight of responsibilities, consequences, and all the expectation of the people around you). Was it when I was ten, or is that when I was thirteen? Oh boy, you know how tough it could be now and then. But I wanna try to keep my view out of those bothering mind once again. So I took a piece of paper to write and imagine all the idea of how I could somehow provoke peace into my life. I write down things about sheep, about grass, about the wind, the bird and the tree. It come off for a moment as an escape, but then again these sight about “I have to make the best of my life” blocking my vision. It’s frustrating how I never could feel liberated, because the fact that the person who is always holding me back was my own self, all the time. I always get all the nerves just thinking how I haven’t marked something BIG in these 22 years of living. And now I’m feeling as miserable as I can be, tasting my regret.

You know, I once have a vow to myself that I will never let regret be part of my life again. I tried so hard, but I’m failed of course. Just like my entire vow did. And there it is an additional regret. I keep thinking, why should I always have to expecting so much on myself? Pushing myself with targets, constantly wanting to be the best, and my worst obsessive disease called “pursuit of perfection” that driving me nuts all of this time.
I just can’t stop.