One at a time

There are several times like this in my phase of life, when I am alone in my loneliest mind. I was just hanging around wondering what to do, what I want to do. I’m turning off the lights and put up some candles just trying to feel the ambience of peace. Apparently, I’m just getting lost in my own self once more, and get deeper… I begin to think about when was the first time I started to feel this heavy weight on my shoulder (you know, the weight of responsibilities, consequences, and all the expectation of the people around you). Was it when I was ten, or is that when I was thirteen? Oh boy, you know how tough it could be now and then. But I wanna try to keep my view out of those bothering mind once again. So I took a piece of paper to write and imagine all the idea of how I could somehow provoke peace into my life. I write down things about sheep, about grass, about the wind, the bird and the tree. It come off for a moment as an escape, but then again these sight about “I have to make the best of my life” blocking my vision. It’s frustrating how I never could feel liberated, because the fact that the person who is always holding me back was my own self, all the time. I always get all the nerves just thinking how I haven’t marked something BIG in these 22 years of living. And now I’m feeling as miserable as I can be, tasting my regret.

You know, I once have a vow to myself that I will never let regret be part of my life again. I tried so hard, but I’m failed of course. Just like my entire vow did. And there it is an additional regret. I keep thinking, why should I always have to expecting so much on myself? Pushing myself with targets, constantly wanting to be the best, and my worst obsessive disease called “pursuit of perfection” that driving me nuts all of this time.

I just can’t stop.

_______________

I wanna share a song that gave me guts to quit my previous job (I wish I could tell some stories) and always cheering me up all the time. Enjoy the song and you’ll see J

Katy Perry – Fingerprints

Voted most likely to end up on the back of a milk box drink
Looks like I'm letting them down
Cause seven, seventy-five isn't worth an hour of my hard work and time
When you can't afford half the shit they advertise
Oh I'm worth more then they ask for then the toe-tag generation full of regret
Oh I won't settle no, oh I can't settle

I wanna break the mold, I wanna break the stereotype
Fist in the air I'm not going down with out a fight
It's my life and I'm not sitting on the sidelines watching
It pass me by
I'm leaving you my legacy
I gotta make my mark
I gotta run it hard
I want you to remember me
I'm leaving my fingerprints
I'm leaving my fingerprints
I'm leaving my fingerprints on you

Representing you and me
Don't you wanna go down in history?
Rather then end up begging on the streets
Trading under table favors for a place to sleep
Cause I'm worth more then this so stop writing prescriptions for my Ritalin
I can't focus my attention

I wanna break the mold, I wanna break the stereotype
Fist in the air I'm not going down with out a fight
It's my life and I'm not sitting on the sidelines watching
It pass me by
I'm leaving you my legacy
I gotta make my mark
I gotta run it hard
I want you to remember me
I'm leaving my fingerprints
I'm leaving my fingerprints
Don't give up
Don't give in
Build your house on the rock
Oh not in the sand, in the sand, in the sand

I wanna break the mold, I wanna break the stereotype
Fist in the air I'm not going down with out a fight
It's my life and I'm not sitting on the sidelines watching
It pass me by
I'm leaving you my legacy
I gotta make my mark
I gotta run it hard
I want you to remember me
I'm leaving my fingerprints
I'm leaving my fingerprints
I'm leaving my fingerprints on you

ps: You may notice how bad my English writing, well I’m still learning. Perhaps you could correct me if you will, cheers…